I never changed, I just learned.

" Everyone has a secret they haven't shared, a past no one has heard about, and talents that people don't notice. Everyone has a weakness hidden inside, and everyone has a story left untold."

Sometimes, no matter how much you've tried to not fucked things up, eventually you will. When you tried so hard to fix things and trying to make it as perfect as possible, you'll end up losing every single thing you've tried for. And at some point in your life, you've decided to stop because some things aren't even worth it to hold on to even if you love the idea of living with it your whole life.

Bila orang kata,

Kita dah besar,sepatutnya kita makin matang. Tak semua manusia dalam masa silam kita, kita kena benci just because they broke your heart into tiny pieces that you took a hard time mending every piece of it. Ada orang kata, sudah sudahlah membenci. Kan lagi elok bila baik baik keadaan, tak huru hara. Hati, lagi rasa senang.

Memang,

That's what I used to feel. The happiness within me when I didn't hold any single grudge towards anyone who put me through a hard time before. I feel at ease. Sedikit rasa hati berat untuk pandang ke depan pun tidak. But as what I'm trying to say here is,

Tak semestinya benda yang berkocak dah kembali tenang, ia takkan berkocak balik. Even, terus hanyut pergi dunia mana. Excuse my metaphor yang tak masuk akal langsung. But who cares,right.

Ada masa kadang kadang, kita cuba matangkan diri dan perasaan kita. Untuk berbaik dengan segala manusia yang pernah sakitkan kita, ("Not to win anyone back in our lives"). It's just that, kadang kadang, aku rasa hidup yang masih sakit hati dengan benda yang lepas tu yang menyiksakan jiwa. Might as well aku mencuba untuk baikkan keadaan.

Mungkin, Allah jawab juga permintaan aku. Untuk at least cuba. And I got the chance.

The only thing was, I tried so hard, one argument after another to keep things at least 'good'.

Tapi kadang kadang, masih ada hati yang terkorban.

Sebab, ada masa kita rasa, kita takkan terguris dengan apa yang bakal hadir. Sebab pada kita, kita dah move on. 

And yes, waktu itu jugalah yang kau akan rasa memang diri kau dah move on. Tapi ada masa bila emosi kau tercalar sikit je, semua benda datang banjirkan fikiran kau. And the only thing that kept wandering in my thoughts were, "why do I even bother trying to fix these things."

Some things are better left unsaid, unspoken. Some things are better off without explanation, or even trying to know every inch of details behind the lies that you once believed in. It's just that, some things are better off forgotten. Sikit sikit, sampai lesap selamanya.

Each time you thought about it, you can't deny the fact that you'll always end up trying to forget who you once care too much but when they came around, some part of you wants them to be by your side even if it's wrong and you can't. It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but it's all out of your control, you can't trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will able to break your heart like that again.

Betul lah selama ni apa yang aku cuba bisikkan dalam hati aku setiap hari.

Bila satu satunya manusia yang aku sanggup beri segala jiwa raga jatuhkan aku tanpa sekelumit rasa bersalah, aku terseksa. Tapi aku tetap melangkah kehadapan. Sampai satu hari aku dapat kebahagiaan yang aku rasa cukup bagi aku. If one fine day, that one particular person came back into my life, which I know it will happen, the only thing I'll do is to accept the fact that things have changed.

Persetankan perasaan yang kau rindu apa yang kau pernah ada.

Sebab itu walau sekarang hati aku tercalar dengan yang lain, aku tetap tak akan berpaling pada yang lama. Trying to change things dan menagih pada yang lama itu dua benda yang berbeza.

If you ever thought I was trying to have what we used to have, I've proved you wrong. I was trying to be mature. But I guess, what's the point in trying when all I get in return was quite a same situation. 

Dua manusia berakhir bersebab, dan sekarang aku tahu sebab aku apa.

Ia akan tetap berpusing dalam satu cycle yang sama.

Selamat,mengerah jiwa dan raga.

xOxO, 

EnaDhiya :)